11/5/97

The Weather

Today it started to rain. It has rained before but this time it feels like it is serious. It's probably not, but to me it feels as though the rain (metaphorically speaking) is here for a while.

I am quite frustrated by the language, the Italian way, the living in an apartment, the public transportation. It is early in my stay and I feel a little sick. My throat is feeling kind of out of it, so am I. I have not started to photograph for the project yet. Although I have made many images with the digital camera. That feels good. I'm glad to have that as a friend. It makes me feel less lone.

This machine has become quite a friend to me over the past few months and I'm sure it will be more of one as time goes on. In some respects it seems that it is the only one that I can really talk to at a gut level. Now I understand that it is all me and in my head, but that is the way that it is coming out.

I feel like so much time has passed and I spend quite a bit of time in this little apartment trying to amuse myself. The phone rings and I am not sure how to answer it, or what to say. And then when someone on the other end talks, what are they saying? I can not speak the language, I can not listen to NPR, I can not have a heart to heart conversation with anyone. But hey, that is what I wanted to do and this is where I wanted to be. As usual, I didn't really think things through and figure in the loneliness. But hey, that is what I wanted to do and this is where I wanted to be. So here I am.

I'm sure in time I will be better. It will force me to do more and spend time alone without all of the stimulus of other 'stuff'.