11/27/97

Thanksgiving in America

Of course that means nothing here. I feel mixed about it. On one hand, I don't have to deal with the intensities of family, although with mine there is really not much to speak of. On the other hand I miss all of the friends, food, drink, celebration, football, parades, feeling stuffed & laying by the TV, drunk, or whatever. But just the thought of my family getting together and having a good time makes me feel good. I know that they are talking about me, here in exile in a foreign county.

I don't feel exiled. I feel like I should be working, and I am. I consider this work. It is the grand experiment of my will to put all of these events down in chips. Perhaps some day someone will go through it and enjoy some of it, others will be bored. I have noticed that these works have taken on a different tone than I initially had thought they would. I thought that they would be more of a journal of everyday events, but they seem to be more on my philosophies. It seems that I am trying to be profound in these entries, and more creating a diary with my letters to Michele. I'm not thinking that one is good/better than the other, just different than I thought it would be. Things change. Shit Happens. Life's a bitch (A Zen friend of mine says "Life is...you make it the bitch).

Today I have felt good and bad, happy and sad. I seem to go through many emotions about this project. Sometimes I feel good/great...

...other times not.

As Michele reminded me during the Yosemite project (my last year long away from home project) I went through similar feelings which is natural. But as I sit here now I feel good. My heart still feels the feelings that I had before I started, so I go with that.

I had coffee with Silvia today. I was telling her about the project and was showing her some of the images that I use to scout from. As I was telling her about it I got a charge out of it. That sort of re-energizing is necessary to keep me going.

What I got a charge out of was the idea of mixing the historical street scenes with the closer, more intimate scenes of business and people. That is my next goal. Make many rephotos! Of course it has rained hard for the past three days. So what can I do. Nothing, sit, read, wait. Today the waiting is over. The sun is out, and I have to go photograph a dying cat for my friend. That seems to be the way luck runs. My expectations often run on a different road than does reality. But being aware of the differences can often help. I must keep reminding myself of that. Sometimes it feels like there are two parts of me having a discussion. One is reality and the other is my expectations. Often the two are not the same.

But realization of the above mentioned facts gives perspective to my expectations. Whether I like it or not, that is the way it is and I have to accept it and work with it, not against it. For working against it does nothing but cause stress.

Stress can be seen as an overpowering contaminate that seeps into our lives and slowly takes over. It can first appear as an intriguing light that gets our attention and moves in to encompass our total being if we let it. That is why, for me, letting it go is so important! It also seems to sneak into my being at night when I least expect it or I am relaxed and the guards are down.