11/29/97

A Tough Day

The computer would not accept mail. I tried to send some to Michele because I was worried that she was not OK. She called (4:30 AM her time) to say she was doing OK. The discussion went on and we talked about how lonely we are. She said that she is having trouble and can't handle me being so far away for much longer. She said she is having trouble with the facty that I am away now, I will go home for some time this winter, and then I will go away again. She is correct, as we both know. She also said something that I feel quite often: we go out with friends several thousand miles apart and it is OK. We are amused and not thinking about being apart or lonely. We get home and the feeling returns. It is a loss.

I feel guilty. I know she does not want me to, but I do. I am alone. She is alone. I have friends here. She has friends there. But we still feel alone, thousands of miles away from each other with our main form of communication being these (not so ivory) keys. A loss. Should I quit? Should I leave? Should I go home? No. I don't want that, and she does not want me to either. Alone, and far apart. The feeling is strong. As strong as the feeling of being in a war zone far away. Those that have experienced that would say I have no idea what it is like. I agree. But this experience is giving me a sense of what it is like. It is a different kind of war. A war of internal struggle and strife. A feeling of hollowness. A feeling of losing a limb or an eye or something that is a natural extension of your soul.

If I was an old man on crutches I would feel as though I lost one of them, or experienced the loss of someone who has helped me walk slowly along the arcade for years. Someone who has been there for years. Someone who is as important as one of my legs.

So I wonder how it will go? How will it work out for us? Will she be able to put up with my methods for how long? Will she give me an ultimatum? Will she want me to decide? I can not blame her. She has been through lots of time alone. Without me. Waiting until I return.

Or is it that she is weak? Unable to get along while I am gone? Is it telling of her character? Does she need to be able to be strong and get along on her own while I am away? If that is the truth, then why do I feel that same way? Why are we experiencing the same thing on different sides of the Atlantic?

At this point all I can do is to write about it and confront the issue as I feel it in my heart. Can it be good for me? Will it make me stronger as an individual? Will it make us stronger as a couple when we are united again?

As the days number I await for my return visit in January. I hope she will wait, once again. Today is has rained again all day, only harder. I spent time inside doing all of the usual things. I am getting bored and tired of waiting. I feel like I'm in prison.

I hate weekends here because weekends are the time that Michele and I are together the most. We play, relax, see movies, nap, cook, eat, drink, shop, clean, be calm together. For some reason it is hard for me to do that here. It is home but not mine, it is relaxing here but I am still tense.

Where do I go from here? What should I do? I can only write. I can only let it go. I can only wait. I wish I could cry!