12/15/97

Early Morning

I got up early today. No reason. Nothing to write. When I awoke I was wondering why I decided to go to the states for Christmas. It seems that I have a difficult time making decisions. My after thoughts seem to be more fully thought out than my pre-thoughts. But maybe I'm just looking at both sides of the situation. But should I do that after I make a decision?

I guess that I was in denial of wanting to do Christmas at all this year. Especially because this will be the first Christmas without my mother. I will miss that. But as I write I also am reminded of the craziness of it all, not the commercialism of it and all of that, but I recall seeing my mother get so tense about having all of us come over. When she got older she wanted to do it all and could not. She would try to hard and get confused. I felt for her and experienced what she was going through. I had always felt that about her. We were so close (after all at one time we were one) that I felt I could be in her mind and feel what she was feeling. Not too surprising to me.

So this year I felt to break it and all of the those memories would be a good thing. To stay here and be alone was my initial wish. But it seems that I have been so alone for so much of these last few months the idea of doing that over the holidays became less interesting. I had some possibilities of going to Tuscany for a workshop on 'Celebration', then to Geneva, Switzerland to meet with Celine and Jorg for the new year. But the idea of being at home with my love seemed to get stronger, especially when I was sitting on a hill alone outside of town. So I made that decision and feel OK about it.

When I awoke this morning the thought that was in my mind was wondering about traveling around Europe. It seems that I had wanted to travel and see more of this part of the world while I am so close. But then again it is winter, cold and gray. Not the same as being in the sun surrounded by hot, sweaty, tired tourists (Hmm?) But the decision has been made. I will go to the states on the eve of the day. That is OK. To be flying over the Atlantic on that day will be fine. To be reunited with Michele will be wonderful. We will spend time sitting and hugging and kissing and just being together.

I will get to NYC and we will spend the day at her sister. She is moving and Michele wants to spend a last Christmas at that house. I do not blame her. I recall being there with her father before he died, so I appreciate those memories. Then we will go to the city and meet with Paul and Yvonne. I hope to surprise them. That also will be worth the trip early to see them and to be in NYC for Christmas. I have not done that for a long long time.

It will also be nice to get away from all of this for a while. It seems as though I sometimes get to caught up in my head. And this machine that I write on seems to be, sometimes, too connected to me. I often feel that the cable is wrapped around me. Being away from it all will be a good break!