3/3/98

Venting Session

OK, I'm getting kind of burned out on all of this. It's getting a little old. I'm also getting tired of not having enough friends and not being able to channel surf, and not being able to kiss my wife in the morning, and not being able to rub my cat. I miss my music and my darkroom. I miss feeling respected. I feel like a pain in the ass to some of the friends that I have here. I also feel that I put upon most people I know. I sometimes feel like I'm in a concentration camp. Yes, sometimes I feel like I'm in prison. Sometimes my view is like this:

Of course it is always how one sees things that makes the attitude seem real or not. Right now my attitude is of feeling blocked in. Not having a way out. I know that I can quit and just relax and travel. I will do more of that later this month, but now I feel as though it is difficult to see about the immediate frustrations.

I am trying to make a document of the changes in the culture of Bologna. I am making it for the community and for my education. I was also interested in a change of culture to see how another culture works. I feel that whatever I do someone is suspect. Many businesses do not have old photographs of their businesses. Some have been passed down from generation to generation. Many of the shop owners are proud to have hung on to the family business going through the war and having hundreds of bombs hit the city. That is amazing to me to see the old images that show the destruction and how the city has managed to rebuild and survive. What an experience to live through! Many have.

Now I know I have no right to complain. I'm here with enough money to survive for a year. I can do what ever I want and here I sit, complaining. I often feel that I can get above the frustrations of it all. Yes sometimes I feel that I can jump up and see the big view. However, sometimes the view I see is not real exciting.

I am working and I have good days and bad days. My life is quite different here in many ways. For example, I process film in the kitchen sink. (So what!) There are two theaters that play English speaking films. I usually go once or twice a week. I call to find out what film is showing, not so much to see if I would like it or not, but just to see if I have seen it. I've been walking a lot. (That is good!) I don't have a car. I really miss just getting in the car and going. I miss the country. I miss the trees of a not established park. I miss the quietness of being in the middle of the woods and not hearing some damn motor bikes screaming by.

I miss all of my friends. I know what I've gotten away from and there is plenty to complain about there. But looking and thinking about things from the other side can sometimes make things appear more interesting than they perhaps really are.

Sometimes I am working along and I feel as though I am behind a dam holding everything I worry about behind it. I am just going on my way, ignoring everything that is there and not thinking about it. All of a sudden I find myself seeing a crack in the barrier. I then wonder why the 'stuff' has not come through and as it does, why does it not make the hole bigger and break the damn thing?

Well, I'm glad that it has not broken. I am basically an optimist. I often feel as though there is something (or in a traditional sense of how we attribute humans to the 'job') or someone there watching over me and taking care of me.